Does my loneliness makes me better?
I never was alone before, in a past life. I am happy to born in a full family. I have a brother. I’ve got married at 17 and was married 17 years before divorce.
Right after it I fell in love and started new relationships that longed 2 years. And now, almost 2 years I live with my children, but I am alone.
Nobody care about me. Nobody help me. Except my daughters. And I recognize that I don’t feel a lack of care. It seems nobody cared about me in a past life. I was buying food by myself. I move my car to service by myself, I was alone on gas stations. I was alone on parent meetings at school. I was alone while my kids did home tasks. I was alone at polyclinics with them. I was alone at maternity hospital twice. I was alone at my diploma defenses — three times. I was alone at nights while learning and working hard.
Yes, sometimes I wasn’t alone. But I was alone so lot of times, that I don’t remember moments when I was with somebody. Most hard and great moments of my life I meet with my loneliness.
And this understanding helps me to change myself. Today I need someone who will care about me. Who want be with me in all great moments. Because I want to care about HIM. And I want be with him. Because I am very heedful. I’d like to keep in mind what toothpaste HE uses. I’d like to know what HE like to eat. I’d like to listen to HIM about everything HE want to tell without unpleasant questions.
I need a great and kind friend, like me, but male. One who will care about me. Really, I am worthy of care.
After this recognizing some friends appeared in my life who care about me without any relationships. They just want to get a lunch with me, they want to give me a presents. They call me, chat me, asked me about what way they can help me. Yes, I talk with them about their lives, listen to them, maybe give some opinions. But they try to care about me without any hope on any profit from me.
I try continue changing my mind. But I trust again. I opened, transparent and defenseless. And it’s very strange that a lot of people see my strength, but not weakness. But I’m fragile woman and I need care.
Thanks for reading
